Sex In Our 50's:

Is There Any Truth In On-Line Dating Profiles? 

Okay, so I know I'm not the only Class of '69er who is single.  But how do we meet people?  I mean, some of us don't think we're ready for the scrap heap just quite yet.  I mean, we were never that into the bar scene for meeting a serious prospect -- back in the day, bars were only for meeting a one night stand and don't lie, you've done that and you know who you are.  We would still like to have fun and maybe even meet someone for an LTR ("long term relationship").  So what do we do?  Where do we look? 

Internet dating is the 2006-style dating scene for those of us in our 50’s.  I'll relate some of my experiences, those of my friends, and even some experiences our dates have had – and perhaps you'll discover some helpful advice, learn what not to do, or, at the very least be entertained by our forays into the 2006 internet dating scene. 

When I was first divorced in 1998 (okay, not my first divorce, just my most recent one), Internet dating was just a fledgling baby.  Not quite ready to trust the Internet to find my next date, I went to the personal ads and actually dated a few guys I found there.  That didn't work out so well; in part, because the personal ads are like two or three lines long.  There was no substance and you have no information on the other person at all – their likes, dislikes, can't stands, must haves, etc.  There is no way to know if you’d be a fit or not. 

Fast forward to 2005, I'm single again, and voila!  The Internet has come into its own – if we want or need information, we can get it instantaneously – or at least as fast as our fingers can type and our computer can work…  Why not use it for dating?  A whole new industry was born – Internet dating services.  I recently read in one guy's profile that he thinks this is backwards – we used to have the chemistry first, and then discover our likes and dislikes.  Well, I don’t necessarily disagree with him about the chemistry thing, but I do note he is on-line and trying it out. 

Let's see how it works…. 

Basically, you're given a list of questions and possible answers.  You choose the best fit of the pre-programmed answers that describe you and your life circumstances.  It sounds odd, but it works!  Okay, it works way better than personal ads in the newspaper. 

You immediately know if the cute guy or girl whose picture you’re looking at (and maybe lusting for) smokes, drinks, has kids at home, what kind of work they do, etc.  These are all things I didn’t know about my personal ad dates; I even discovered one of them was married after I had been dating him for a month or so!  So, you answer with the appropriate canned responses ("Yes, I have tattoos" or "I would never get a tattoo" – in case you’re wondering, I have none and no future plans for any).  Oh, yeah, if you have things in common, it’s called “a match.” 

Now, you’re thinking people can lie in the internet personals as well, but at least you have something to go on, a starting place for love, or at the very least somewhat compatible dating! 

Let me address the lying about yourself – if you lie, and, for example, say you’re a nonsmoker, you won’t get away with it.  You’ll meet someone who says they don't want a smoker and they will know fairly quickly that, in spite of the fact that you say you don't smoke, you're lighting a cigarette in front of them, or your pores are permeating with the smell of smoke!  This happened to me….let me tell you the entire story… 

This guy (we'll call him Lee to protect his identity) sent me an icebreaker – a canned "Hi!  I like your profile." or something to that effect.  I didn't think he was that attractive, but I had to start somewhere…  This was my second time trying internet dating (I had done this a year earlier, but that's a story for another time), so I thought I should dive right in.  Lee had a very well-written profile, didn't smoke (one of my must haves), and seemed quite nice.  So I answered him, asking for his phone number so I could call him.  (Safety Tip:  I never give out my phone number and it is set to "private" on caller ID so no guy can get it until I want him to have it.)  We set up a date for Sunday, around 1 p.m., at a restaurant/bar near the golf course where Lee golf's with his buddies every Sunday after mass. 

On Sunday, I walk through the restaurant (which I never see again) into the bar section, right on time, and there sits Lee – with his two golfing buddies -- I didn't know this was going to be a group date or I would have brought a friend!  I’m thinking, "Oh, no, what have I gotten myself into?!" 

I expected to go into the restaurant to eat, but all Lee does is order me a beer.  “Okay,” I think, “I'll drink the beer and then we'll eat.”  But, oh, no, he just keeps ordering beer.  (Did I mention Lee is from Wisconsin?  Home of the Green Bay Packers and beer!)  Finally, starving, I mention lunch.  He acts like it's a total surprise to him that anyone would be hungry (after all, we have beer!), but his friend comes to my rescue and asks for a menu.  I finally get to eat – at the bar! 

I'm now starting to wonder how to get out of this foursome date when he asks me if I'd like to go outside and look at his new truck.  Trucks are not my thing, but that gets me most of the way to my car, so I'm all for it!  As we walk through the door, he lights up a cigarette – I look at him and comment, "I thought you didn't smoke."  He says, "I've just been smoking this past month, you know, stress at work, but I'm quitting."  The guy is a Maytag repair man – I thought they were lonely!  How can he be stressed??  Regardless of the timing, he's had a whole month to update his profile and say he smokes, which he so obviously does. 

He shows me his new truck, I act appropriately impressed, and then tell him that I have to be going – I don't remember the excuse I used, but I could not go back into that bar with all that smoke and sit there one more minute while he and his buddies drink – this was definitely not a dream date!  He walked me to my car, and I have to give him credit – he was one of the few who didn't try to kiss me right there!  My car is a Toyota Highlander – an SUV just the right height for a guy to lean in and kiss me, and difficult for me to escape – I didn't think of this when I bought it… 

Lee sent me an email later that day, telling me how beautiful I was and how he wished he had kissed me – oh, no!  His email was rife with spelling and grammatical errors – so much so, in fact, that it made me wonder who wrote his personal statement, because he surely didn't! 

Let me explain about your personal statement:  you write about yourself and what you’re looking for in a match.  This is your chance to shine, to show off your writing skills, to sell yourself!  You try to write things that are important to you, and write like you talk.  Here's another thing:  you can’t have someone else write your profile – it won’t sound like you and when you email or talk on the phone, the other person will wonder what happened to that smooth talking guy or girl in the profile! 

Lee definitely did not write his personal statement.  Now, I'm trying to be nice to him because his wife had died 9 months earlier and I don't want to come down too hard on him, but this lying stuff was really getting to me.  So I responded to his "you're so beautiful, I wish I had kissed you" email, telling him that although we’re not a match, I wanted to give him some advice to help him be successful.  I began by asking him why he didn't tell me he smoked, and, "by the way, who wrote your personal statement?  It's obvious you didn't."  So I wasn't as nice as I thought I was being, but I was a little ticked off, widower or not, that he had lied.  Lee replied that a woman friend of one of his golfing buddies had written it for him.  She asked him questions and used his answers to type his personal statement.  He did say he wanted it to be shorter, but she kept on asking him questions and typing.  Believe me, shorter would not have helped – the guy definitely did not write this and it took just the one email for me to discover the truth! 

So much for my well-intentioned advice.  It’s been almost a year, and Lee is still on that particular site, still not smoking, with that same personal statement that he did not write!  Some people never learn.  As in life, with internet dating, the definition of insanity is the same:  if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome, you’re insane….

 

Lilli Rose Lanser