Sex In Our 50's:

Safety First

I was going to write about the pictures posted with the profiles next, but a safety issue came up in my personal experience, and I thought it was important to get this information out.  And, no, I’m not talking about safe sex, although that’s important, too.  What I’m talking about is security measures every Internet dater should take to ensure his or her personal safety.  Why is this even an issue?  There are stalkers and bad guys everywhere – witness the continuing manhunt in Phoenix for the “Baseline Rapist” – a man difficult to describe who, after over a year, is still out there raping and murdering women all over the Valley.  (Update:  this man was finally caught, and even his wife doesn’t believe he raped and killed these women in spite of DNA evidence to the contrary!)  I met my very own stalker on one of the online dating services and it took me over a month to get rid of him.  I was lucky because I was careful – and you should be, too.

There are some red flags that should jump right out at you if you are paying attention.  If the other person wants to meet you right away and then wants to monopolize your time, or tells you what do to, run now!  After one date, my personal stalker told me he wanted to see me later in the week, so “don’t make any plans until you talk to me.”  Big red flag there!  They will also press you for your home phone number and/or address, so they can pick you up for your date.  If they have your home phone number, they can easily find out where you live using a reverse phone directory.

Do not to give out your work or home address – and don’t meet them at your work or let them come to your home.  While it’s flattering to receive flowers at work (and your friends will be envious), you may pay too high a price for the flattery of flowers.  Once they know even the general area where you work, a stalker can be patient enough to stake the area out and will eventually find you.

It is not necessary to talk or meet right away, so potential dates don’t need your phone number.  If they press you for a phone number, that’s a red flag -- even if they are doing so innocently, you don’t know for sure.  Always err on the side of caution.  When you do decide to call, make sure your number is blocked so they can’t get it.  If they don’t accept blocked calls, explain why yours is blocked (safety).  If they still won’t accept your call, move on -- this was not the person for you.  I know that sounds harsh, but it’s safe.  It also helps if you talk to the person on the phone and then decide you don’t want to date them – you can email them the Internet dating equivalent of a “Dear John” letter, telling them “we’re not a match; good luck” without them calling you to challenge your decision – as my stalker and others have.

It is much safer to give out your cell phone number, because the worst they can do then is to continually call you, which my stalker did.  I was informed by my cell phone carrier that, although they are working on it, cell phone companies do not have the ability to block a phone number from calling you.  So, you are stuck, as I was, if they have your cell phone number.  Initially, you should make all of the phone contact.

Use the dating service’s email, do not give out your work email or home email just yet.  Match.com provides a double blind email, so that you are notified at the email address you give Match, but the person contacting you doesn’t get your email address.  Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that even with the double blind, if you are using Microsoft Outlook and have your Out of Office Assistant turned on, that response goes right to the person contacting you!  In my case, I am required by my employer to use an automatic signature that gives my full name, work address and phone number that goes out on every Out of Office response, so when Out of Office Assistant is turned on, the person contacting me gets all that information about me – yikes!  I contacted Match.com and their only solution was for me to give them a different email address with no revealing information (and no Out of Office Assistant turned on).  So be very careful what email address you give your Internet dating service.  Yahoo! email and Hotmail email are both free and easy to set up.  Stay on a first-name basis for as long as you can – with your last name they can glean all types of information about you.

As for your first in-person meeting, make it in the daytime at a public place, or make sure the restaurant or bar has a well-lit parking area if you meet in the evening for drinks or dinner.  Do not get into their car and go anywhere from there – it is a typical ploy for them to say, “I don’t really feel like steak tonight, but I know a good seafood place, why don’t we hop in my car?”  Don’t do it!

Always, always tell someone when and where you’re going, and who you’re meeting.  I print out the person’s profile and write the pertinent information about the date right on the profile, then leave it on my desk at work.  Just make sure it’s someone who will miss you right away if you don’t arrive home safely.

My friends and I came up with a hierarchy of trust which, although not sounding realistic, actually works in terms of describing your level of safety:  serial killer, stalker, heavy breather, date.  I’ll explain.

The first time you contact or are contacted by someone, assume they are a serial killer – in other words, treat them very cautiously, which you would do if they were a serial killer!  Don’t give them any identifying information that would allow them to find you either by phone or in person.  Do not give out your phone number or home address, home or work email, where you work, where you like to go for fun, any hint that might lead them to you.  The theory being if your contact was a serial killer, you wouldn’t tell them anything – and if they are a serial killer, they will be very patient and will find you!

Once you have had some email contact, and are getting a feel for what the other person is like, that person moves up to stalker – not nearly as dangerous as serial killer, but still a threat.  You can give the stalker some personal information, like how many kids you have, what you like to do for fun (but not where you go) -- again, nothing that would lead that person to you.

Heavy breather – give out cell phone number but not address – talk on the phone a while, make a date.

And last, but not least, listen to your gut feeling – had I listened to mine, I wouldn’t have had to go through the stalking and the fear that came along with it.  From the beginning, I thought something was wrong with Sam, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.  It was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I couldn’t get rid of, but I had no evidence to support it.  Next time, I’m just gonna go with the feeling and move on to someone else!

Sam and I emailed for a while and I discovered we had several mutual interests:  animals, Breast Cancer 3-Day, volunteering, movies.  He sounded like a nice guy who liked to help people.  We talked on the phone, and here’s where I made my first mistake – I gave him my phone number so he could call me.  After several phone calls, we made a date.  We met at a restaurant (public place) with a well-lit parking lot.  During dinner, there were several red flags (a word here, an attitude there), which I duly noted.

I didn’t take Sam’s calls the next day, and got a very nasty email from him because I ignored him.  He ended the email with wanting to see me later in the week, so check with him before I make any plans.  It was at this point that I incurred his further wrath by sending him the Dear John Internet Email.  He sent several nasty emails, and started calling every Saturday and Sunday around noon.  I did not answer the “Unknown” calls because he had called me from both his cell phone (which was in my cell phone) and an unknown phone.  I knew it was him; he left me nasty voicemails which verified this…  I finally got fed up with this because there were calls I wanted to take coming from unknown caller ID’s, so I just answered my phone one Saturday. He hung up. I answered it again the next day, he hung up, and I never heard from him again.

I was lucky – he didn’t know where I lived or worked, so I was safe from physical stalking.  I reported him to the Internet dating service and forwarded his emails to them.  I never heard back from them, and I should have followed up on that.  However, again, I was lucky…

Just be cautious, follow these simple rules, and listen to your gut – you’d rather be safe than sorry, right?!

 

Copyright © 2007 Lilli Rose Lanser